17 Things Not To Say To Or Ask Queer People Of Color

06/28/2017

Phtographer: Pedro Hernandez @petoa

Hey friends, this one is short and sweet! Let me just be upfront about my feelings lately. I am starting to really become more and more exasperated by uncultured and disrespectful white men and women of all sexualities who continue to ask very problematic and invasive questions. There is this distinct separation between us, one that is not only harmful for people like myself and those who can relate, but also for those outside of or community. And by "our" I am referring to gay men of color who may or may not be ethnically ambiguous. First of all, it saddens me to have to even write about these sort of things. But perhaps the most difficult part about all of this, is that the people asking these questions really don't understand why they are offensive and ignorant. So if ever you should find yourself confronted with such behavior, I have composed a list of responses that may come to your rescue in these tragic times. I encourage all of you to speak up, be as much as a smartass as you'd like, educate, get racous even. So alas, here are the top seventeen things that have actually been asked to my face and this is how I have trained myself to respond:

"I've got a thing for mixed guys/girls." Well fetishization is not cute or trendy, at least not in this case.
Questions or assumptions about penis size. Unnecessary, irrelevant, invasive. (But for the record, I'm quite blessed.)
First time meeting: "I thought you'd be darker/lighter" No, you didn't think at all. Sorry to disappoint.
"Do you consider yourself to be more black or white?" Choosing one over the other means denying an entire part of my identity, how does one do that?
"Which one of your parents is black?" Does it matter?
"You're so unique looking." I know.
"But you don't look black." Oh.
"Can I touch your hair?" No, this ain't a petting zoo.
"How do you get your hair like that?" H2O
"Did you get a perm?" Bye.
"Are those your eyes?" I'm just temporarily renting them.
Questions or assumptions about masculinity, dominant, or aggressive personality traits. I'm about as vibrant and pink as a damn flamingo, and I wouldn't hurt a fly.
"I wish I looked like you" This one is my all time favorite! The truth is no, you do not wish you looked like me. That would mean having to endure years of ignorant questions just like the ones on this list, hate crimes, prejudice behavior, political and social injustices, worry about your personal safety, bullying, enslaved ancestors, being rejected by your own culture/group of people, and of course, expensive hair products, or having to shop in stores that have an insignificant little maggot size of a section designated for "ethnic products."
"What are you?" The future.
The Guessing Game: Continuously making inappropriate and very incorrect guesses about my ethnicity and then pretend like you're just trying to get to know me as an actual person.
"What's it like being black AND gay?" Fucking hard, but also so damn beautiful.
"Are you into slave and master role play?" I have no words.

I am no longer going to attempt to explain myself to people who do not matter or even care about my background. And you shouldn't either. The truth is, we aren't THAT different anymore. It should not be difficult for you to believe that we all come from different places. That is the most incredible thing about the human race. And you can't put us in petri dishes anymore. So if you are guilty of contributing to such ridiculousness, please learn to think before you speak/act. Just let us fucking be people. Do not walk around life wearing a sparkly tiara full of privilege, and then end up offended or surprised by the reactions you will receive and try to play victim. That is all!

If you've experienced anything like this, make a personalized list for me to share!

Love,

NPR