(F) The Tribes
Last weekend, I went out in Hell's Kitchen with a few of my dancer friends. If you're familiar with the various neighborhoods that are home to NYC, then you know exactly what I mean when I say I went out. I'm usually super thrilled to engage in a night of five dollar cosmos and fierce dancing because it means making a few new friends and not having to worry about this week's struggles. So while making my way from one bar to another, and gracefully so, I made the tragic decision of opening up Grindr just to check out some of the potentials for the evening. I know, sue me. *cue Grindr notification sound* I was greeted by a young man who had requested to see more photos of me. So I sent some standard face pics, nothing naughty or out of the ordinary. His response: "you legit look trans, and I'm more into Jock types." Seconds later, I had been blocked.
What the @#$* does that even mean........
To some, it may not seem like a tremendous ordeal and that's fine, but being the reflective individual that I am, I couldn't help but to think about my conflicting disconnection with the gay community. That perhaps my place in it is nonexistent. Of course I carried on with my night in my faux fur and full glam. But in the back of my head I'm wondering about gay tribes and how despicable it is that some of us put so much effort into trying to wiggle our way into them. So if you don't spend your time trying to be just like everyone else, well then you're damned so to be safe, you better compromise your identity. Absolutely not. If you're like me, then you know that being different feels just like home. Some of the most rewarding experiences in my life have been because I have never been afraid to be myself. To be unapologetically me, because to be anything else would be artificial. And if you are completely clueless as to what a gay tribe is, get from under that rock. Just kidding. But truthfully, I didn't know much about them until just a few months ago. Essentially, gay tribes are a way for Grindr users to self-identify based on body types, personalities, or interests. They can be defined as follows: The Bear, hairy, large build, bearded. The daddy, handsome man 40+. The otter, which is like a smaller version of a bear. The Jock, or the athletic type. Trans, self explanatory. Poz, HIV positive. Discreet, the men who may or may not be "out.", usually refrain from showing their face. The clean-cut guy with great style and the fresh haircut. Another words, tribes are shallow little categories we put each other in that promote racism, transphobia, ageism, misogyny, homophobia, and body shaming. But what about our Bisexual friends? The artists? The thinkers? There are entire groups of beautiful people that Grindr has neglected to feature.
My exhaustion is not directed towards Grindr itself. I am disappointed that gay men sit around and actually encourage this type of behavior. And then act as if its not happening. That we have become a community so shallow as to tear each other down. We are relying on these socially constructed ideas to tell us who we are instead of going out into the world, unafraid, and learning about ourselves through more effective means. We quite frankly, cannot be manufactured. We have adopted this "you can't sit with us attitude" rather than exposing ourselves to new and exciting ideas that may be unfamiliar to us. There are some individuals who will literally go around life hating themselves because they aren't liked. But guess what, you aren't just liked, you are loved. And you are not what's wrong here. It's that the same men who are marching at pride and chanting the names of our deceased peers and loved ones, are the same ones who don't know the difference between preference and exhibiting prejudice ways. I am exhausted with how we treat each other the same way the rest of the world does when they try to tell us that our kind of love does not exist. How can we expect others to take us seriously if we continue to conduct ourselves in such a manner. And what worries me the most is the kind of example we are setting for younger gays, and especially the ones who are afraid to come out. Teaching them to either run and hide or walk around like Regina George with a stick up their ass.
Anyone who isn't willing to make the effort to get to know you, isn't worth knowing. Especially if they're an asshole AND have poor hygiene. So I challenge you expand your minds. Stop saying things like "no fats, no blacks, no fems, no trans." Stop saying "masc for masc." How about "masc for mascara"? Anyway, let's at least try saying yes. Yes to creativity, individuality, self discovery, acceptance, and of course inclusion. You can scream from the rooftops, and beat on your bare chest until the rest of the world can see how masculine you are, and still lack substance. Think about how we can treat each other like human beings. Let what you do and your ability to share your light with others be the guide to building a respectable reputation. Put an end to just being an appelation. Its uninspiring, and quite frankly, boring. And lastly, if you don't know who the hell you are, it's okay. We're all still trying to figure that out, but damn sure know who you are not and don't be afraid to embrace it. Even if it means being completely different from the people who should be supporting you the most.
Until next time, NPR