Over It

Lately I have noticed an increase in the amount advertisements for gay dating apps across social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. These apps may include but are not limited to Grindr, Chappy, Gaydar, Surge, etc. And just when you get your hopes up, tragedy cannot seem to escape us. Now don't get me wrong, I do find it necessary to promote the next best dating app that could potentially foster great friendships and memorable romantic encounters. HOWEVER, the representation of gay men through the majority of said advertisements often seem to include your everyday white men. In fact, this occurs about 96% of the time. But not only are these men unattractive, (at least to me) they also lack any reliable representation of culture or diversity for our community. The models are typically photographed in what appears to be a jubilant and lovable fashion, but advertisers neglect to feature gay men of color in this same light. Instead we are the faces of HIV advertisements. My frustration is with the advertisers hired to promote gay dating services and the entire groups of people that they continue to leave out.

Advertisers reel you in by forcing you to pay more attention to people who look similar to you with the belief that you will feel connected and relatable. This is a technique used by pretty much every mainstream brand of clothing, electronic, basically everything. This is what they are trained to do. But what perturbs me is just how much effort and planning is actually being put into diversifying the advertisements for these apps. Its embarrassing and completely unacceptable, not to mention lays the perfect foundation for internalized racism or prejudices. And can I just say, whoever is doing this needs to be fired immediately for not seeing why it's so problematic. The issue is becoming increasingly worse, and what happens is that we are essentially encouraging the selfish, "all about me, I live in a bubble" behavior of white gay men. What better way to boost egos that do not need to be boosted? The advertisers of these apps fail to illustrate the truth about our community: we come from various colors, shapes, and sizes. In fact that is EXACTLY why we celebrate gayness. Yet they willingly disregard how far we have come and instead force us to be satisfied with where we are at, rather than push us to move forward. And sure, the responsibility of equality within our community is not at all in their hands, but it damn sure makes a difference in the way we treat one another and especially treat ourselves.

Think about what this type of advertising does for the way people outside of the LGBTQ community might perceive us as a whole? Not that we should really give a shit, but at the end of the day, we do care about the way we are treated. Straight people have already been associating us with negative ideas based on what they see in the media. And here is another great way reason for them to continue to do just that. For example: Because gay men of color are only the trophies of diversity for HIV advertisements on social media, one may assume that all people of color have HIV. This is all we see, I am not making it up. While white gay men are exemplified as pure, angelic, and desirable people capable of love and living healthy lifestyles. Though this distinction is highly inaccurate and all together outrageous, it is understandable when considering the lack of education many non gays when it comes to our culture. Therefore, paying a lot more attention to the way we display ourselves across social media platforms is crucial.

Personally these ads don't make me want to download anything. Instead they point me in the exact opposite direction. They give me traumatic flashbacks of the treatment and behavior I received when I did use such horrendous dating apps. They make me fear dating or hook ups. Gay men can be ruthless. Especially white gay men. So it saddens me because deep down, I know that these kinds of apps aren't made for people like me. The proof is in the advertising. This is not an attempt to create tension between us but rather inspire the type of change that will bring us closer together. We need to start collectively coming up with better ways to expand us rather than shrink us.

So how do we ensure that BOTH gay dating services and HIV advertisers will change their ways? How do we get them to become more inclusive and represent us authentically and equally?

Keep commenting on that bullshit and call them out for it! Send letters, bombard them with questions, and annoy the hell out of them. Let them know why it hurts, in a tasteful manner of course. I have seen some of the most hilarious and thought provoking comments underneath ads on Facebook and I am so thankful for them. Along with this, we need to stop letting our white friends think that only their type of gay matters, instead that we ALL matter and are ALL capable of love and friendship. We need to make dating feel more inclusive and accessible. All of our interests, talents, intelligence, it is all what makes us so damn exciting. Another great place to start is within your friend groups. Start by letting people know when they say something stupid and tell them right to their face. Of course, not all white gay men do this, but we all have that one (or 15) friend(s) who just doesn't get it. So don't be afraid to tell it like it is and spark up those awkward conversations that nobody wants to have, but you know you NEED to have. Stop subscribing to pages and apps that you don't agree with but you subscribe anyway because you think you have no other options. Instead, get artsy and create your own!

With Love,

NPR